Sunday, December 1, 2019

Why do people cheat? Understanding infidelity with a clip from Esther Perel's marriage podcast

Storm gathering over Lake Artemesia, College Park, MD (photo my own)

**Note: this article deals with behaviors, not abuse or addiction. For those cases, please dial or search "211" for help. This article also does not discuss infidelity from a perspective of wrongfulness or rightfulness; any behavior that is hurtful and harmful is obviously wrong. Most people know this, feel regret, and wish not to repeat painful experiences and instead learn from them. Shame is not helpful to healing. However, understanding is a key element in moving forward. Understanding does not have to equate with acceptance, and forgiveness does not have to mean abandoning boundaries for protection and self-care. Understanding and forgiveness are gifts people can give to themselves in order to heal, whether they are the victim of a betrayal or have strayed, and are helpful whether or not the couple tries to heal together or part ways. This article discusses some of the root causes that therapist Esther Perel uncovered in a podcast episode on marital therapy.**

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"Ninety-three percent of Americans think that infidelity is morally wrong -- more morally wrong than cloning, than suicide, or than domestic violence." -- Esther Perel

If the above statistic is true, why do people cheat?

There can be many complex factors, but the biggest key element that's been found is disconnection. Outward reasons can differ, but foundationally, once a couple begins to detach, their relationship becomes more vulnerable to outside temptation.

Disconnection.

What causes couples to disconnect? Many things too numerous to name. Less-ideal behaviors learned long ago or stress or even ADHD or other neuro-atypical signatures that make it harder to pick up signals. Heck, even life can contribute just by pulling on us. Everyone has responsibilities and demands, and it's tiring. People may not have much energy to catch up with their partners every day. Reserves can be shot. A human can only do so much.

While there are many stressors we all encounter regularly, there's also what people do when reserves are low. Most of us never learn to manage stress well, nor do we carry stellar instincts on how to identify what we need, what might be wrong, and how we can problem-solve and communicate well. (Luckily, much is known about what makes relationships fail so we can learn; like Maya Angelou has said, when we know better, we do better.)

So many factors can play a role in couples disconnecting, but a significant amount of information online about this subject is one-dimensional and does not offer valuable insight. While it is important to grant space for the intense emotions of pain and betrayal in order to begin the healing process, mending is incomplete without more understanding. Studies from Gottman, the science-based relationship researcher, found that it was a myth that problems need to be 'fixed' before they could be 'solved' -- they are solved by understanding.

Understanding moves issues from the working memory area of the brain to the stored memory area, relieving us of the rumination that occurs when the brain turns problems over and over, trying to solve them.

This is why I wanted to share Esther Perel's marriage counseling podcast: to shed some light on one of the most common and painful topics people can experience.

If you've never sat in on a marriage counseling session, her podcast is a beautiful opportunity to witness the candid sharing and tender wisdom that can come from sitting with a good therapist.

In this particular session, both partners begin lobbying their grievances to the counselor, sharing why they are so unhappy with each other, listing what is wrong. Naming each character flaw.

Esther stops them.

"I could listen to you both all day," she says. "It's very easy. But I am married to none of you. You have to talk to each other."

As you listen to the episode below, you will hear how Esther uncovers the abandonment both partners feel. It's a very powerful session.


Source: 

Communication is key to connection. Good connection does not just consist of talking about the logistics of food shopping or bill paying but rather deep, honest communication about how life has been lately. (It doesn't have to be like this every second of every day, but Gottman research found that people weren't even spending 15 minutes a day talking.) This small practice can really help.

Most like to try it at bedtime, when the house is quiet.

Ask each other: how are you? Has anything been bothering you? How is work? How is home? Do you have anything on your mind? Are you thinking about friends or family members and their health or well-being? Are you holding anything inside? When you can share your innermost thoughts, connections grow and stay strong.

If a disconnect already exists, therapy may be able to provide a safe space to reconnect.

Disconnection can manifest in a number of ways, not just with infidelity.

Sometimes couples just shut down from each other. But "an affair is generally a sign things aren’t right with someone’s relationship," says Alex Iby. It can be a proverbial cry for help that the level of loneliness is quite deep. "Without the necessary skills to heal the issues, a partner may engage in an affair as an ill-equipped way of attempting to have their needs fulfilled – whether these be for intimacy, to feel valued, to experience more sex, and so on. So, the straying partner views an alternative relationship as a better way to meet these needs than their existing relationship."

Sometimes partners have differing needs for connection. There may be a fundamental incompatibility that is no one's "fault" -- some people just enjoy more alone time and some enjoy more intense interaction (attachment psychology is a whole separate subject) -- but mismatched intimacy needs are no different than mismatched needs for sleep or hunger. We don't usually take it personally if someone is hungry when we aren't, but we do recognize we'll need to eat even if they don't.

Connection also needs safety. If interactions leave people feeling unsafe unconsciously, they will withdraw or push away. Painful experiences can also contribute to triggers, possibly making people feel unsafe in the present even when nothing "bad" seems to be happening. Disconnection can occur in so many ways.

The world will challenge us each day to show up as our best selves.  It's okay to be human. The more we know and the more tools we have, the better we can manage all the things we can't control.

If disconnection is the cause of infidelity, the loneliness of the "outcast" partner is often minimized and downplayed, increasing their sense of isolation even further:
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/men-their-needs-and-what-it-has-to-do-with-affairs/

Although people have differing drives, the need to feel valued and connected is universal.

It is possible to repair after a betrayal like this but the Gottmans often say it's a "new" marriage with the same spouse (as the previous marriage ends with the patterns and betrayal of trust that destroyed it). 

It takes a lot of work with a good Gottman method therapist to repair the level of damage that occurs in infidelity and there are specific techniques counselors employ, such as teaching the couple to not rush through the sorrow and apologies, and work on reconnecting. This work is necessary to heal and change the patterns that existed that led to the rift.

Why did Esther start her show? She explains:

"There is no school for relationships, no place for us to learn the tools for rebuilding and repair, to learn to straddle the many contradictions that roil in all of us. Where Should We Begin? Is a way for me to create meaningful, deep, and open conversations. As you listen to these intimate, unscripted sessions between real-life couples, I think you will find the language you’ve been looking for to have conversations with the people in your own life."

Where Do We Begin, by Esther Perel:


Further reading:
"Truth and intimacy are the same thing. So many people think if they tell the absolute truth, it will tear apart the relationship, and the actual truth is that if we don't say what we're really thinking and really feeling, that's what tears apart relationships." Unknown