Woman 1: "Six weeks after a long labor followed by a cesarean, my husband tells me, 'I have not had time to write poetry since the baby was born.'"
Woman 2: "Well, clearly, he never wanted to have sex again. Ever."
Why is it not okay for the husband to feel that way? And why is the response "Punish him for having feelings we don't like!"?
Why is the response not something compassionate, like, "Yeah, I hear you, that's horrible"?
Or, "I feel that way too, it's been so time-consuming that I haven't had time to myself either"?
Aren't partners supposed to be a team?
The idea that one person knows the "right" way for things to be (including how people are allowed to feel) can shut down the connection. And couples suffer most when they are disconnected.
Affairs do not start when couples are deeply connected.
Relationships do not unravel when couples are deeply connected.
But how can you share what you're feeling if it's made to feel unwelcome or "incorrect"? Feelings cannot be controlled; rejecting their existence only shuts people down and disconnects them.
The new mom above set unspoken rules and they were unrealistic. They included her husband not being allowed to mourn the loss of his free time or feel bad that he was unable to do a fulfilling activity.
Not only did she regard his feelings as inappropriate, but it was universally accepted by the friend as well, a symptom of society's pervasive misconception that the proper response to learning about threatening feelings is to shame the person having them. (As if that will make them go away.)
Why is society so threatened by feelings? What happened that we are not allowed to feel how we feel? Feelings exist whether or not they are welcomed. We can choose to fight or embrace how we feel. Why not make it easier for others by accepting their feelings too?
