I saw this thing recently in an advice column (below) and thought yikes, this highlights some serious communication problems and yet is something almost no one talks about: the importance of emotional regulation.
Relationships thrive on communication, which is how people get close, and closeness depends on trust. Any time you approach someone -- anyone -- you want to feel confident you'll be treated kindly and respectfully, even if they're having a bad day.
If you're worried about being yelled at or sending someone into an abyss of despair, you'll be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings.
Withholding is distancing and distance is the main cause of relationship dissatisfaction.
In the below letter to Dear Prudence, someone shared that they couldn't talk to their roommate about even the most basic reasonable things like cleaning:
"My roommate has mental health issues that cause her to spiral into depression and self-loathing at the drop of a hat. A simple broken plate can lead to a rant about how worthless she is, yelling and slamming her hands on her desk, and sometimes even cryptic hints at suicide. She is in therapy and on medication. I’m constantly stressed, but neither of us can afford to move right now. My main issue currently is that I can’t ask her to clean up or take issue with something she does without making her spiral. Normal, everyday roommate issues fester because I can’t bring them up without risking a meltdown. How can I keep myself sane while saving up to move out, and how can I tell her I’m leaving if I’m afraid she’s going to flip? I care about her, but I can’t live like this." [Source]"I care about her, but I can't live like this."
I'm sure everyone means well in this scenario. The roommate is struggling mightily and it's probably miserable to be in her skin. I doubt she wants to be this way. But she is, and thus she's so unable to handle input that she shuts it down. Maybe even by accident. But the end result is that the letter writer can't talk to her and so it's easier to think about not even trying.
The roommate may wonder why she has trouble keeping friends but not realize her own role until she can manage her own emotions enough to look inside. But intensity is often overwhelming.
We are often quick to point out the need for good and frequent communication, and rightly so, but often fail to include the most important aspect of communicating: the ability to say what you need in a way that doesn't shut down the conversation.
People who struggle to express themselves respectfully may end up noticing high levels of conflict in their relationships but not quite understand why.
Connection cannot thrive in a contentious environment. Gottman research found that people who unconsciously entered a fight-or-flight mode in the presence of their partners (as observed by the signs of an activated sympathetic nervous system, such as elevated heart rate and perspiration) were more likely to separate.
It isn't conflict itself that is the issue but the ability to handle it in a way that is outwardly kind and respectful.
Anything that can trigger the other person's fight-or-flight mode means their sense of safety has flown the coop. If you want a close connection with that person (and vice versa, they with you) it's good to not only be mindful of delivery (not just what you say but how you say it) but try to pay attention to their signals. It may feel like there's nothing wrong with raising your voice or showing frustration but for someone with a conflict trigger, this can unwittingly send them into fight-or-flight mode. If they don't feel safe, they're going to flee, either mentally, emotionally, or physically (or any combination) so learning how to regulate emotion will go a long way in fostering good communication.
Note that this doesn't mean you can't *feel* upset; it's learning how to manage those feelings so they don't overwhelm the conversation.
Self-regulation is the ability to handle emotions, even intense ones, in a way that isn't out of control. The ability to self-soothe, for example, is a rock star skill that gets easier with practice.
It takes a lot of control to not yell when upset, for example, but it allows you to take the long view. Think, what is the outcome you want?
If it's to release built-up anger, then congratulations, you can achieve that (while scaring everyone away) but if it's to understand, feel heard, resolve differences, come together or be closer, then fostering safety by reacting calmly is a much better strategy. (And this works whether for superficial relationships, like roommates, friends or family, or deeper relationships like our partners.)
Alternatively, maybe you can hire an anger translator, like the Obamas! :)
Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist also talked about this recently:
"Disagreeing is normal and reconciling differences is necessary. Fighting is what people do when they have no grasp of [healthy communication] or skills at [emotional regulation]... or when they do but they suffer a momentary loss of emotional control. ... Establishing a low-conflict relationship is an hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly process of emotional and literal honesty. Not angry, not yelling--just stating your position." [Source]So, great, but how exactly do we self-sooth when things feel intense? This gets better with practice, just like any new skill (such as running, drawing, etc.) but you can counteract the effects of stress hormones by breathing deeply, picturing a relaxing place, or go for a walk for about 17 minutes. (That's how long it takes for stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline to be flushed out once they're in our systems.) Dr. Gottman has a great article with even more tips on how to manage intensity: How to Listen Without Getting Defensive (or, how to be present in a conversation without going into fight or flight mode which is what "defensiveness" signals).
It's unfortunate but the body reacts to almost all stress the same way, with a fight, flight or freeze reaction. That means getting cut off in traffic and spotting a lion on the horizon both elicit the release of the same hormones. You do not need the same levels of adrenaline to have a conversation as you would to fight for your life but we come with bodies equipped with ancient physiology beyond our control. We can't help what happens to our bodies physiologically but we can train ourselves to manage it.
Managing emotions makes it easier to talk about what we need and how we feel, making it easier to talk and feel understood. And feeling understood is the hallmark of contentment and closeness. Dr. Gottman's research found that people do not need to agree in order to resolve conflict. What resolves it is feeling understood.
Of course, you could also hire that anger translator.
