The premise is charming but leaves the audience skeptical.
Did these couples work through whatever issues they had? Or did they just break up and then get nostalgic, yearning for the past?
If there's one thing we've all learned it's that love is not enough. You need lots of other ingredients to make it work, like maturity, listening skills, self-regulation, empathy, owning your part, not dismissing feelings, just to name a few of the many skills in the mix.
Here I am, only a few episodes in and all I can think about is how the marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman could basically turn this into a bingo game. Every time someone in the show exhibited an abhorrent behavior, they get a square.
"Did you see that?? CONTEMPT! They're doomed."
"Oh that was stonewalling, but it's soooo obvious why. She shut down because she didn't feel safe sharing her feelings!"
"She just TOLD him she wanted to eat off a plate -- he's not hearing how uncomfortable she is holding broccoli over the sink!"
The Gottmans are famous for studying marriages and noticing key behaviors that could predict the end of the relationship about 94% of the time. They called these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they predicted the death of the relationship with high accuracy.
Here's a short (2:12) video on the Four Horsemen or you can read more.
But let's get back to the show. Some of the couples seem mature and strong right away but others clearly have some baggage to unpack. Obviously, if the reason things ended didn't feel resolved to even one person in a couple, they're both going to need to talk a LOT more. Rebuild connection and trust. (And trust isn't just about not being betrayed, it's about the emotional safety of feeling understood.)
In one scene, one of the less mature dudes tells his friends he's getting back together with his ex. They all look horrified. Right then, she came out of the house and joined them. She noticed the icy silence and said something and the atmosphere immediately became combative. It didn't take long for her to realize she wasn't welcome so she left.
Her ex called out weakly "you're breaking one of the rules!" (He had set up ridiculous rules like, she was supposed to be happy ALL the time because, you know, her moods were a real bummer. Also, she wasn't supposed to walk away, he also hated that. She agreed to these ridiculous rules earlier and my heart sank because this was not the way to talk about what didn't work before and strategize new plans. He seemed to be blaming her reaction to being treated poorly a "mood" which wasn't very enlightened, accurate or understanding.)
Anyway he went after her and the conversation blew up. (This isn't word-for-word, but just the gist from memory.)
Her: Leave me alone.
Him: You're not supposed to walk away. See, you always walk away.
Her: I didn't like the way I was being treated!
Him: It's a real bummer when you're moody like this!
Oh man. I kept wishing they had better communication skills. Here's how that conversation could have gone:
Her: Leave me alone.
Him: Are you okay? I'm so sorry about what just happened, I didn't realize they were going to be so hard on you. I feel bad when you walk away but I understand it's sometimes the best way you can protect yourself. What can I do differently next time?
How different would that have ended if they'd been able to show a little more empathy for each other, a little better at listening? Gottman's research finds that there are many issues couples will continue to differ on; resolution is not about coming to agreement. It's about coming to an understanding. If we understand each other, even if we don't agree, we can still move forward.
Anyway, I hope the Gottmans find this show. It's full of material!
There are some funny pieces. One guy decided to take his ex on an art date where they could pose and draw each other.
He stripped and posed:
She was ambivalent but began sketching:
Finished!
Ha! This looks like something I'd create. We must secretly be sisters.
If you want to take a look, the show is called "Back with the Ex" and it's on Netflix. Enjoy!
