Qualities to evaluate compatibility and character
- Conscientiousness and follow-through: do they do what they say they will? Does their behavior backup their values? Actions should support words, not conflict with them.
- Stability: do they have wild mood swings or are they relatively stable? Mood swings and an inability to juggle stress can put extra strain on a relationship as those who struggle with these things need to tend to intense feelings inside, making them less available to tend to you or the relationship.
- Honesty: intimacy is not possible without honesty but it also needs to feel safe expressing oneself. Both partners must be receptive in non-dismissive, non-defensive and nontoxic ways.
- Personality chemistry: do you like to do the same things? Although opposites can attract, it can be easier over the long haul if you both enjoy similar activities and have similar energy levels.
- Sexual chemistry: what does sex mean to each of you? Do you both share similar definitions of monogamy or other ways of relating? How high is your sex drive and does it match your partners? How comfortable are both of you with vulnerability and emotional expression? Have either of you had any negative sexual experiences? Can you share what you need to? The more similar you both are and the easier it is to communicate, the better chance you'll have at the kind of gratifying closeness and intimacy you want over the long term. The amount of sex or specific kind of sex is not as important as both of you having the kind and amount of intimacy that you both want.
- Humor: do you share similar senses of humor? Can you relax around them and have fun?
- Flexibility: how well can they manage life's curve balls? (There will always be curve balls. Observe how they handle things that go wrong.) Carolyn Hax once said, how do they handle their job, family, friends, money and bills, health/sickness, challenges, bad weather, good fortune, unintended consequences, and being under others’ control? And how do you behave when you’re with them? Some people bring out our best selves and others our worst, and time is the wisest judge.
- Similar values and goals: do you both want the same things in life? This can be important enough to be a deal breaker even if everything else matches up. For example, if one of you wants children and the other is deeply positive they do not, this can be an impasse that breaks the relationship apart down the road after much emotional investment and time.
The following warning signs can spell trouble, pay attention and note the following:
- Jealousy
- Aloofness
- Demands on schedule
- Encroaching on comfort zone
- Saying one thing and doing another
- Inability to keep promises
- Criticism
- Complaining
- Inability to manage their life
- Handling conflict in ways that escalate negative feelings
- Do they take care of themselves? There's no over-indulgence in self-destructive ways? Do they have hobbies, friendships, interests, etc. and happy that you do too? People that practice self-care will not require that you care for them excessively in the ways that they should be caring for themselves. It may feel good to "help" or "rescue" someone but over time it can be wearying and those who aren't doing the basics of self-care will translate to less energy and perception to care for you and the relationship.
- Do they reciprocate? Do they respond to your signals? Relationships should feel equally reciprocal. If you feel like the balance is uneven, then you and they are not invested at the same level and this is cause for evaluation.
- Are they interested in you or mostly talk about themselves?
- Are they available the way that you would like? If someone says, "I'm not ready for a relationship," don't expect them to change their minds.
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by Barbara DeAngelis, a fast and accessible read on the types of qualities to look for when seeking a good partner and a healthy
relationship.
